Inspired With No Energy

The new year has hit me hard. My body is still a bit worn down from surgery in December, but I do as much as I can, plus a little more. I never gave much thought to how much lifting I do, until I was unable to do it!

The new year has me thinking of new goals…and old goals. I dream of an uncluttered life, a place for everything…purging the unnecessary.

I still imagine myself sharing some writing in the form of a book. I actually signed up for a Facebook group and a series of daily emails to motivate me. It is working, as I can sense a stirring in my mind thinking about a book…”fiction or non-fiction? First or third person? What about dialogue? Adult, teen, or children? Illustrations?”

I overwhelm myself and return to the safety of blogging. One of the people who helps our family was recently able to quit her side jobs because her blog started generating enough income to meet her needs! I know that took some work and dedication! Then I remember that I really should start a blog related to my profession in some way. I have been in the field of education for about 20 years. My passions are in areas of special needs- inclusion, whole child focused education, students with emerging mental illness, relationships, and motivation. I have little desire to decorate or create worksheets…I can do those things, but they don’t really light my fire.

As the AoA family enters into some new adventures, I find myself with new experiences to share, in hopes that someone else may find a glimmer of hope in knowing that he or she is not alone.

I remember a conversation I had with the ex-husband as he was trying to convince me to have children with him (after my two children from a previous marriage were grown). I shared that my biggest fear was that something would happen, and I would essentially be raising children as a single parent….again. That was hard enough with my older kids, and their dad was supportive after we divorced! The ex ASSURED me that he would ALWAYS take care of his kids…well….that didn’t happen. My biggest fear came to pass- with a little added abuse.

I learned firsthand, how early childhood trauma can shape young minds. My 12 year old, Brother, is a complex case, diagnosed on a Schizophrenia Spectrum. My 10 year old, Little AoA, has come through verbal apraxia, severe anxiety with irritable bowel syndrome, and continues to display selective mutism. Some days we have to take in small bites…one tiny step at a time. To outside people, it looks like dealing with a moody, spoiled kid. I know this, and while it shouldn’t, it still bothers me. I only wish that the “cure” was as simple as grounding for noncompliance, or rewarding for desired behaviors. Add into the mix, a sedating antipsychotic needing adjustments, and most of the parenting tools I have, become ineffective at best, triggering at worst.

I started a homeschooling journey this fall with Brother, when the public school experience failed to improve after a full year of meetings and interventions including being in a behavior program. I now prepare to add Little AOA to the homeschool life, as her anxiety is getting worse with school, and I witnessed the segregation for myself, of students with disabilities in her classroom. I couldn’t believe what I saw! Kids learn from us- if we demonstrate intolerance and exclusion of people who do not learn the same way as the majority, the children will mimic that attitude! ALL CHILDREN deserve to be accepted for who they are, and be given encouragement to build on their strengths. My eyes were opened as to why my child was regressing and becoming more anxious and depressed. I understand that bumping up against obstacles builds resilience, but this child has dealt with more obstacles than many adults. We must practice acceptance- try not to judge others by what we see in a moment’s snapshot. Take time to LISTEN FOR UNDERSTANDING…

I must add for curiosity’s sake, that I informed the dad via text, of my intention to add Little AoA to our homeschool. I expected some sort of disconnected response or condemnation. There was no… I sent the notification to my attorney, just in case the dad tries to claim later that he was not informed. Watching back over my shoulder has become part of my life- a part that I pretend isn’t taking a toll on me.


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