I’m afraid that 2020 and 2021 have finally caught up with me. The sadness, the fear, the anxiety that has come with living and dying during a pandemic….all swims in my head this New Year’s Eve. To add to it, I am weaning off of pain medication from my recent knee replacement.
I can only remember a time or two in my life, feeling this empty. My youngest kids are now 15 and 13, and their dad just hired a new attorney….maybe his 15th or so? We go to court in February to hopefully put an end to the madness. He has chosen not to see the kids for the last two years and doesn’t pay the very little amount of child support he is court ordered to pay until he is ready to take me to court. I am really not afraid, but my mind wonders to the “what ifs”. Neither child has seen him, and they have both come into their teen years, full of emotions and attitudes. I remember how angry the dad use to get at my older children when they were in their teens. I had to send them to live with their dad when they each turned about 16, as the dad couldn’t stand them! My 15 year old is FAR more complex that my older kids were, so just imagining a confrontation between them hurts my heart. I know I need to let go of these images and anxieties, but they are just triggered when the dad starts this crap. Did I mention that the dad killed his own father? Yes, he was 17, nearly 18 when he shot and killed his own father. I feel like I am holding my breath hoping that history doesn’t repeat itself. There are no guns in my home, but the dad has plenty of them in his home. He has even pointed out to the 15 year old, which one he is going to use to shoot me! This was years ago, when we had only been divorced a year or two. We are at nine years now….I need to be free.
My shining spot this year has been this 8 year old Basset Hound, Wally. I adopted him this year, just feeling the need for a fur buddy. If it wasn’t for getting up to feed him and take him out, I may have had days of not getting out of bed at all. He can be annoying at times, but he has really stayed by my side this year through two major surgeries, and much grief.
I hope that going back to work lifts my spirits. I had really hoped that I would have actually been able to get some things done while on this medical leave, but that has not been the case. My poor house has been neglected since February. Luckily, we have help cleaning a couple times a month, so it’s just the clutter that has built up. I am looking forward to being able to do more, as my back and leg strengthen….I wish it would happen faster. I don’t remember it taking the Bionic Woman this long!
Hoping to make it to tomorrow….
Happy New Year!