Preparing to Visit

The AoA kids have not seen the dad in just over a year. Visits had been supervised for nine months, ending after cumulative subliminal threats had been made during visits, ending with a statement to Brother that “they would be living with dad all the time, very soon”. This statement, on top of other statements he had made to Brother, in which he said he would kill me if he had to… led Brother to a complete mental breakdown.

For the past year, I have had to manage the aftermath of destruction, while trying to help Brother rebuild. It has been a long and hard journey.

Brother is at the point now, where he thinks he wants to try to see his dad….in a therapeutic setting with his therapist by his side.

My role is to provide Brother with tons of support and relaxation strategies following the visit, to ward off a potential breakdown.

I am willing, but worried….here we are at holiday time trying to do this. Besides normal holiday stress, I am having surgery in another week, and anticipate being pretty fragile for a week or two afterward.

Historically, the dad uses holidays, particularly Christmas, to play upon people’s sympathies. The truth is, when we were married and raising the kids together, he would rant and complain about Christmas. He NEVER bought gifts for the kids, and was angered by anyone who did. He threatened to shoot the delivery driver if he delivered another package, and threatened to kill my parents if they brought any gifts to our house for the kids. It was on a Christmas Eve that he walked out on me and the kids six years ago, after pacing the floor in a panic. I thought he was going to kill himself, from behaviors he had been displaying leading up to that moment.

Despite this, he has played on sympathy, even sobbing in front of a judge, about missing the kids at Christmas. There was a time when this would have pulled on my heart greatly…

Now I just shake my head and enjoy the holiday time without worrying about the safety of delivery drivers in my driveway!

Happy December!

~AoA

12 thoughts on “Preparing to Visit

  1. Good grief. He told your children that they would be living with him full time soon, and that he would kill you if he had to. During your marriage,he refused to allow anyone to buy the children Christmas gifts, and threatened to shoot the next delivery driver that left a package at your house. He left you and the children on a Christmas eve. And now he’s crying to a judge that he misses his children at Christmas? Not only is your ex insane, the judge is, too, to buy any of that!

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    1. Luckily the judge saw through it! Nevertheless, this year he is doing the same act for the children’s therapists…
      It is the therapists who are now in the role of protecting the kids from this- they have the day in when the kids are ready to resume any type of supervised visit…it is exhausting- mentally and emotionally, but we just keep moving…

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      1. Oh no… as the mother of a therapist intern, soon to be a licensed child and family therapist, I am well aware of how human therapists can be. (Not that I think my daughter won’t be a great therapist. I’m just saying!)

        You mentioned that you are having surgery in about a week. Me, too, I am going into the hospital for surgery this Thursday, December 6, for skin cancer. It’s either basal cell or squamous, the doctor said. I have had life threatening anaphylactic shock reaction to anesthesia in the past, and I have had two other surgeries, for two different types of cancer, since 1979. So… I am a nervous wreck right now. As I pray about my upcoming surgery, I will remember to pray for yours as well. God bless!

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      2. Hopefully, the therapists haven’t completely bought into it- I don’t think they have, but I highly suspect the ex has threatened them with legal action of some sort. One therapist was on the verge of asking for a restraining order, and another thought she saw him stalking around her house!

        I wish you the best with your surgery! Hopefully they will be able to anticipate a possible reaction, and take proactive measures! This will be my 9th surgery – it will be a hysterectomy done with robotics! It is always a bit nerve jolting to have anesthesia…I had one surgery around the time that Michael Jackson passed away- the anesthesiologist had to promise to wake me back up!
        I have not experienced cancer…I can only imagine what you must be feeling❤️ many prayers…

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  2. Hi
    I take brother wanting to see his dad as a good thing.It could show his growth and some understanding of his own anger. My father was my abuser but there’s ingrained/DNA that still makes him my father died. In recent years I’ve been able to find some good memories and that a huge step at 55. Both kids are remarkable considering the trauma they been thru at a young age. Brother was older and got a good brunt of the mulipulation, maybe now he is able to see his dad in a clearer light for what he is.
    I had surgery a couple of weeks ago falling down steps, shattered wrist, broken elbow and nose and left orbital bone. My doctor put in a plastic/flex T support. The concussion has caused non-stop head aches, neck muscle were whip lashed. I’m a mess right now. I’m not a good patient but this time I had no choice, both arm out of commission. I’m looking forward to the net day everyday, no doubt you know how you can ask why did I get the kick in the head.
    Hugs.
    Talk to you soon
    M 🙂

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    1. Oh my goodness! That is a lot of pain! I can’t imagine all of those injuries at once! You are always in my thoughts and prayers❤️
      I agree that Brother has grown to the point that he feels he is ready for this. He was very clear that he wanted to do the first meeting in the safety of his therapists office. We have worked so hard to get to this place- weekly therapy, homeschooling to alleviate the anxiety piece from school, and adjusting medications (some not so good). All the while, having the dad intimidating and non-supportive in any way…seems so wrong, but like you said, dad is dad…they share DNA. Some time in the future, we will try to get to maybe two supervised visits a month as the kids are emotionally able.
      Hugs❤️

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      1. It will take the kids a long time to get to unsupervised, they have such bad memories of the past visits. Seeing brother with Counselor is perfect, eyeballs on the dad so no bullshit in the future. It’s taken almost everything out of you but you did everything for your children and that’s all anyone can do. It’s sad but it’s their reality.
        I haven’t you talk much about little AOA, is she in a better place or just happy the way things are now. I would not think she would want to see him right now. In time people know when they being used as a pawn. I’ve overjoyed all you blood sweat and tears have moved the family forward from a very low place.
        I always think of you and the kids, I have this urge to hug brother every time we talk. He is very strong and therapy now will ease the pain as he grows up.
        🙂

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      2. Little AoA doesn’t want to see dad until Brother is ready. She is not having a great year in school- her peers are passing her up now (she has a borderline IQ)…my tentative plan is to work two more years, then retire and homeschool both kids if needed. I have to put in my 20 years in order to do it.

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      3. I wondered how she was doing in school. She will flourish once you can home school. I can see her logic in want her brother to say it’s ok, he was hurt badly and she looks up to him and looks to him. I think home school is best for both given the trauma at home and school.
        Take care. 🙂

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